Already Full

I’ve had this blog post dancing around in my head for the past few days. The feelings are real and sad and if I don’t get them out I fear they’ll come again next month, and the month after.
And I know from experience. For over fourteen months we tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant and I wrote on this blog as if all was well. I danced around the subject in vague posts about “wanting” and “patience” and secretly hoped someone would understand my pain. I thought it was too personal and too much and people would think I was weird if I wrote about my problems.
But, I’m over pretending. I know I have to be authentic if I want to help anyone, especially myself. Now, when I sit down to write I always have the same hopes–that when it’s all said and done I will feel better. And maybe, just maybe, someone else will, too.
After what felt like an eternity we were blessed with a baby girl that will be turning one in about a month. We love her…a lot.We try to soak up her beauty and innocence and funny personality as much as humanly possible. We hate being away from her. I have written about her… a lot.To put it simply, she has enriched our lives in countless ways.
And so I feel guilty when I confess that I was pretty sad to learn I wasn’t pregnant this month.
We’re not really trying to get pregnant again, though we’re not really not trying, either (you know how that works, right?). So every month I am not surprised when I discover I’m not pregnant. No big deal. It’s not like we’re really “trying” so I can’t get upset, right? Not to mention we have a healthy daughter that is about to go completely mobile and I just got back to my pre-baby weight. You’d think I’d be happy to remain baby-less for a while.
But this month things didn’t go in the normal routine and it threw me for a loop. False hopes got the baby vibe jumping in a scary way.
Thursday morning came and went with a big no show from the “friend” that normally visits like clockwork, literally, down to the hour.
I got home from work and decided to take the one and only pregnancy test I had.
Negative…at first glance. Then my mind started playing tricks on me.
Is that a faint blue line or just a shadow? Is it just an evaporation line or is it real? I can’t tell.
So I spent hours obsessing and googling and staring until something happened.
I took the test out of the trash to show my husband. He thought if anything, it was a very faint line, which gave me a weird sense of hope.I couldn’t wipe the goofy grin off my face.
Friday came and went and one hundred trips to the bathroom later…
…still nothing.
I was convinced I must be pregnant.
I ran to the pharmacy after work to get another box of tests. The guy at the counter actually asked, “So what are you hoping for? Yes or no?”
I just stared at him and spewed, “I don’t know.”
Really? Isn’t that a bit personal for our first, maybe second, meeting? This is a small town, buddy. I started to sweat as I thought I saw a past student behind me in line.
My inability to answer frightened me. I didn’t want my second pregnancy to start with an “I don’t know.” I wanted it to be as fun and exciting as the first time.
I got home and forced myself to wait because I  knew the morning would give me the best results and secretly feared it would be another negative. I spent more time on the internet. You’d be amazed at how many women out there with similar stories can convince you of whatever you want to believe. I didn’t get a positive test for 7 months with my second baby or I never get a positive with home pregnancy tests…
A little bit of spotting led to more hours of googling and obsessing. It could be implantation bleeding. It’s not my period.
Does anyone else find it extremely annoying that all of the symptoms of early pregnancy are the same as getting your period?
Saturday morning came and I took the next test.
Negative again. This time no tricks. There was nothing. No faint pink line. No shadow or evaporation line.
But no period, either.
Nothing. Two full days late. This never happens. I must be pregnant. I spent the day in a panic. Are we ready for another baby? Am I gonna feel sick? Should I drink caffeine?
I had one more test. Sunday morning I woke early and headed to the bathroom. I opened the foil and before it was wasted there was my answer.
I didn’t cry. I tried not to think about it. I told my husband as I climbed back in bed and he said he was sorry.
It felt weird to hear that. We shouldn’t be sorry. We have a baby. We have all we need.
But a little pretty big part of me was disappointed. The only thing that compares to the giddy happiness of thinking you may be pregnant is the complete contentment of knowing you are. I miss that feeling. On days I wish to feel that completely full again I remember…
I already am.
Right now,
this is what fills me up.
And they are enough.

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