Yes, I am jealous of Roseanne Barr

With all this talk about where I belong, seeing Roseanne Barr on Oprah really got me thinking.
As I watched her give the tour of her Hawaiian nut farm I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. 
She was so happy and free. Farming. In an apron and work boots. Not caring what she looked like. Seeing her grand kids jump on the trampoline. Making funny goat noises. And at the end of the night, sitting down with her man and a nice glass of red wine to watch the sunset from the front porch.
You can see it for yourself here
I assume it sounds pretty idyllic to many, but maybe not. Maybe not everyone would enjoy the simple, farming life. To some it may seem boring and awful. 
But to me it seemed just perfect.
And so I have to ask…what is my nut farm
What is my happy and free?
Through journal writing and counseling I have realized that one of my core values is freedom. The word “free” shows up everywhere in my life, from journals to jewelry. I now know that when I feel “free” (even if I have to trick myself into feeling “free”) I am much happier. 
To me, feeling free is as simple as doing what I want…what I deliberately choose to do with each and every second of my life. I don’t believe in doing things I don’t want to do anymore. I used to fill my days with things that were not so enjoyable because I  thought being busy meant being happy. That frame of mind lead me to one place…the crazy train. I was happy to hop off when I learned that I must fill my time with only things I WANT to do. 
It bothers me when people complain about having to do this or that. I know life is full of  certain perfunctory things we HAVE to do like make money and pay bills (unless we want to be homeless) but I think most of the rest is up for grabs. I don’t HAVE to clean my house. I don’t HAVE to wash my car. I don’t HAVE to do anything I don’t want to. Life is too short for that, in my opinion. 
If I want to be happy I have found I have to reword it like this: I WANT to clean my house so it’s nice and orderly for my family and guests to enjoy. I WANT to wash my car so it’s as pretty and shiny as it can possibly be. (Does anyone else play these funny tricks on their mind?)
So I try to fill my days doing what I truly want to do. Spending time with my friends and family.Eating good food. Listening to great music. If I am going to exercise, I am going to do something enjoyable…yoga, which calms me down, or walking with my baby, which is a bonding time.
For a long time, my job has always been something I wanted to do. Of course we all have days when we would rather sleep in and stay home but for the most part I have never looked at my job as work. I don’t even call it work, I call it “school.” I realize I am blessed to say this and don’t want to come off like a huge, self-righteous a**hole, but doing something day in and day out that I hate is just not in my soul. I am not that selfless. I can’t do something I hate for the greater good.  Doing something I don’t enjoy generally equates  to doing it half-a** and that eats away at me and sends me back on that crazy train. 
If I am going to do something, really DO it, then in my eyes, it must be great and fabulous and perfect and amazing.
Since having the baby I have entered a new realm of wanting. When the alternative is staying home with my baby, work is now a job, not something I do because I really want to. And this is where I start spiraling down. Do I sound like a complete selfish bit** because I don’t want to suck it up and work to provide for my daughter like everybody else out there?
Maybe my expectations need to change. Maybe not everything I do needs to be great and fabulous and perfect and amazing.

But to me, that is not really living. 

It is soul sucking.
And I’ve always been one who tries to suck the marrow out of life, not the soul.
Is there a happy medium in this equation?
Maybe my “nut farm” is not found in my job, but in my spirit, or my relationship with people. 
Maybe it’s the tiny rebellions that make me feel free.
My groupie-like ability to meet rockstars.

My love for my husband and daughter.

We shall see.

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